Am I talking to Postal Services?

(Dialogue inspired by this ‘Man in the Box’, 2019, by Rafel Bestard.)

“Hello, am i talking to postal services?”
“1-8-1 postal services at yourrrrr serrrrvice sir! Do you have a moment? We have another call coming in… Back in a second, sir.”
(Music– Good Vibrations, by the Beach Boys)
“Hell-oo-o,sir. Busy busy! Now what can we do for you? Are you sending a package or receiving one sir?”
“Well…i don’t know… Actually i’m IN…”
“Outgoing or incoming, sir. It’s one of both. Think carefully. It defines the department i’ll transfer you to. Very important.”
“Hm… None of both, i think, - i’m more like sitting in…”
“Wait, sir, ow-ow-ow, - wait. Address comes later. (To Pete) Says it’s neither outgoing nor incoming, Pete.” (Pete:) “Then it must be Complaints, Ben.” (Calls Complaints) “Hi Alex, got someone for you. Can i put him through?”
“Is he complaining, Ben?”
“Well,we think so…”
“Sorry Ben, but we’re rather busy: is he or isn’t he? If i have to spend my days talking to everybody who might, ever, be complaining about postal services then i’m afraid i can say bye to my weekends too. So if you don’t mind…”
“(Ben, back) Hell-oo-o sir, are you complaining?” 
“Errr… maybe… it’s dry in here though…”
“Sorry, but that’s not enough sir.”
“It’s not what we call a real complaint, sir.”
“Ow. Well, then i AM complaining... OMG YOU BUNCH OF OVERPAID APPARATCHIKS I’LL…”
“Now we’re talking, sir! I pass you Complaints.”
(BeachBoys – Good Vibrations)
“Complaints, Alex speaking! Now what’s your complaint, sir? Package lost? Wife lost?(giggles)”
“Well, it’s not really a complaint. I was acting like i had one, to get through…”
“So you were pretending, sir? (sigh) You don’t have any complaints?”
“Ho-ho-ho sir, ho-ho. We’re not buying this sir. You’re still pretending…”
“No i’m not!”
“Yes you are.”
“No i’m not.”
“(Half singing) Yes you are sir. Ad-miiiiit…”
“Are you threatening me now, sir?”
“Because that would be great news sir. Then i can forward your call to Threats sir! This is your lucky day, isn’t it? Same building! Now if you have a second…”
(Beach Boys – Good Vibrations)

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