April 20, 2020 10:30 AM

Modern Times

“They don’t do it on purpose, Ed.”
“Not on purpose? She had her hand in my back pocket, for God’s sake!”
“Well, maybe she likes your… back pocket…”
“Ha. Ha. Ha. I’m no piece of meat, Linda. And it’s not only Wendy you know. It’s Laura, and Ann, and oh yes: Daphne too.”
“Daphne? Come on, darling. She sings in the church choir...”
“She can sing until she weighs an ounce, Linda, but the thing is: she’s tapping my butt. Not once. All the time.”
“Okay, Ed, okay. You WERE wearing that tight Levis you know. I mean…”
“Aha. And so that gives her the right to tap my butt? I’m more than a pretty ass, Linda.”


April 2, 2020 10:00 AM

Force of Habit

A guy walks down the street. Suddenly stops in front of a window: ‘Delicious Sandwiches’. He steps inside.
“Can i help you, sir?”
“… i think so…”
“Today we’ve got the fennel-salmon. It’s delicious…”
“Ow, well…”
“Don’t like salmon, sir? You’re not the only one - my sister’s husband…”
“… no, no, no, i do like salmon…”
“… so it’s the fennel. We understand. Don’t have to be embarrassed about that either, sir: my niece Deb simply HATES it - last time she said, Irma she said…”
“… no, no, no, i like fennel too…”
“Well sir, then…”


March 12, 2020 11:00 AM

Am I talking to Postal Services?

“Hello, am i talking to postal services?”
“1-8-1 postal services at yourrrrr serrrrvice sir! Do you have a moment? We have another call coming in… Back in a second, sir.”
(Music– Good Vibrations, by the Beach Boys)
“Hell-oo-o,sir. Busy busy! Now what can we do for you? Are you sending a package or receiving one sir?”
“Well…i don’t know… Actually i’m IN…”
“Outgoing or incoming, sir. It’s one of both. Think carefully. It defines the department i’ll transfer you to. Very important.”
“Hm… None of both, i think, - i’m more like sitting in…”
“Wait, sir, ow-ow-ow, - wait. Address comes later. (To Pete) Says it’s neither outgoing nor incoming, Pete.” (Pete:) “Then it must be Complaints, Ben.” (Calls Complaints) “Hi Alex, got someone for you. Can i put him through?”
“Is he complaining, Ben?”


January 24, 2020 11:30 PM

Ben and Linda waiting at the gates of Hell

“Hi, i’m Ben. And you’re…?”
“Nice to meet you, Linda. First time?”
“Well- yes. In Hell it’s always the first time, isn’t it? And the last.”
“Yes of course. I’m a bit nervous.”
“Me too.”
“Sinned a lot?”
“Yes i’m afraid. Mostly adultery. Also minor things, shoplifting and so on. Still wondering if some of them were real sins. Anyway, it’s too late now. Final Judgement was yesterday, no use in trying to change that, is there?”
“Uh-uh. Seemed rather definitive to me.”


July 2, 2019 5:00 PM

The Prospect

“Hell-oow sir!”
“? With whom do i have the honour to…”
“Hell-oow sir, emergency services speaking sir!”
“… emergency services?”
“Yes sir, that’s right, 1-2-1 at your service sir! We’re here to help you sir.”
“… but i didn’t call… i mean, there’s no emergency and, actually, i’m in a hurr…”
“Ho ho ho, sir, no emergency you say sir. (To Pete) He says there’s no emergency Pete. (Laughter in the background.) Now don’t jump to conclusions, sir. Are you sure, and i mean ab-so-lu-te-ly sure, you haven’t got a fire going on somewhere sir? A small, almost undetectable…”
“There’s no fire here, mister. And if you’ll excu…”
“Ho sir, wait a minute sir. We understand it’s hot, but we’re only doing our job sir. Did you know 32% of all fires are caused by a dryer, sir? Do you have a dryer sir?”
“Yes, we have a…“
"Now here we are! (To Pete) He has a dryer Pete. Have you written that down? How old is your dryer sir?”
“10 years… Man, i don’t know. I have to catch a…”
“10 YEARS! Write this down Pete. His dryer is 10 years old. You’re in big trouble sir. You have to catch a plane sir?”
“He has to catch a plane, Pete. Write this down. Where are you flying to sir?”


June 16, 2019 5:15 PM

The set-up

“Hello-o, am i talking to 1-2-1? Emergency services?”
“Hel-lo sir, good evening! How can we help you sir?”
“Well, i’ve got a slight problem…”
“Slight problem you say, sir. Then you dialed the right number sir. We’re the emergency services. 1-2-1! Tell us sir…”
“I’m drowning.”
“You’re drowning, sir. Drowning.”
“Yes, that’s correct. I’m drowning.”
“Well sir… That’s quite surprising if i may say so sir. Most people…”
“Plea-ea-se… It’s urgent…”
“No need to panic sir. DON’T PANIC! Now what i’m asking myself – and so is Pete here, who’s sitting next to me – say hello, Pete-“
“… thanks Pete. So, what Pete and i are asking ourselves is this: the man is drowning, okay. But where exactly is he drowning in?”
“The washbasin. I’m drowning in the washbasin.”
“The washbasin. The washbasin he says, Pete. And you can’t get out, sir?"


May 26, 2019 4:00 PM

"How can we help you, sir...?"

“Hello, am i talking to 1-0-1? The emergency services?”

“Do you have a moment, sir? I have another call coming in… I’ll put you on hold for a second. Back soon.”

“Madam, i…”

(Music – Good Vibrations, by the Beach Boys)


“Thank you for waiting sir. Now what’s your problem? Tell us, we’re here to help you. Just describe…”

“Well, i…”

“… using precise words. Be precise, sir. You cannot overestimate the importance of precision here. You understand this is an emergency service, and as such…”

“Madam, i…”

“… as such we’re trained to get to the point as fast as possible. So tell us, young man… We’re all ears…”

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